I missed 3 months of school in 2016 due to being deathly ill in hospital. I fell hopelessly behind with my work, was overwhelmed & sick as a dog. I was discharged (after two admissions) & made alternative arrangements to write during the supplementary exam period. During that time that I was supposed to be catching up, I was hospitalised three more times. ICU became my second home. I was discharged 4 days before exams.I decided to write, reason being I would rather try and fail than not to try at all. I really studied my butt off. Went through past papers. I broke down & cried many times. My boyfriend can tell you, I was falling apart. I would study through nausea, vomiting & being sleepy from the cocktail of pills I was on. I failed most of my modules, by a small margin. I was devastated. I still am. In hindsight, it would’ve taken a miracle to pass. I’m struggling to come to terms with it. I beat myself up & resented my body for failing me.
I fell sick and also had to get to grips with major depression. It wasn’t my fault. I gave it my all. I’m damn proud of myself. Now that my physical health has settled, I’m facing another mammoth task: mental illness. It’s a looot. Every day is challenge. I’m taking the year off, in the sense that I’m checking out of the student life I’ve lived for several years. This year is for healing. This year is for coming home to myself. For spiritual and personal growth. I’m pouring all my energy into being okay again.
I want to get to a point where I forgive myself for the way my life fell apart last year. I want to give myself credit for trying. I tried. I really tried. The odds were against me. I’ve never failed anything before in my life. It hurts. But I will forgive myself.